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Jump to navigation. Moving on from losing a partner is one of the hardest things a person can deal with. As psychotherapist Hilda Burke explains, everyone’s experience is different and there are no hard rules about when to move on. This can mean different things for different people: some may want to get remarried, while others might want to start with friendship and go from there.
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This article is based on a study of older Canadian widows, supplemented by ongoing work with widowers. Twenty-eight in-depth interviews were conducted in New Brunswick with women over fifty whose husbands had died within the past seven years. Most of the widows did not wish to remarry because they felt they had already had the best possible husband, had suffered with his loss, and did not want to schedule their lives around a new husband.
Cautionary tales about the risks of remarriage were widespread. Norms regarding interactions between men and women are ambiguous, the motives of men are not always clear, and changed sexual mores present challenges as do the reactions of adult children to a potential relationship. Widows often need to find creative new ways to interact safely with men in order to avoid misunderstandings both about their interest in remarriage or their desire or lack of desire to engage in intimate activity.
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We understand the importance of going at your own pace and meeting others who can genuinely relate to your loss. Some of us will be ready to take this step before others. Only you will know when the time is right.
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Doug Wolf and Dan Black provided much encouragement of our work. Aaron Yelowitz provided very helpful comments. Working papers in this series are preliminary materials circulated for review and comment. The views expressed are the authors’ and do not necessarily represent the views of the Social Security Administration. The papers have not been cleared for publication and should not be quoted without permission. Aged widow er benefits are paid by the federal government to persons whose deceased spouses worked in Social Security covered employment.
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